Ask Sondra

Can a married couple survive, when both cheated at different times during the course of the marriage? – Paul F.

Yes, I think it can survive, but it would take two incredibly forgiving people to do so. Many people have gone on with their marriages after one of the couple has found out about the other’s infidelity, but not usually without devastating hurt and lack of trust. Human nature would have one ignoring suspicion of the other for years. I personally don’t believe in cheating on one’s mate. I think it is one of the cruelest things someone could do to someone they were supposed to have loved. If you really want to be with someone else, break it off with your partner first .Since cheating has been around since the Stone Age, I doubt many reading this are going to take my advice and just go on hurting each other.

I am a disabled divorcee and full of ambition, but I can’t find the love of my life. (My ex filed for a divorce the day after I became disabled.) I used to be wheelchair bound, but I worked hard to improve myself, and now I am using a cane. Every time I meet someone, they seem to be deterred by my disability, and I’ve been losing self-confidence and esteem. What should I do? – Charles

First of all, never lose your self-esteem. It sounds like you are an awesome guy. Anyone who has the courage and the will to beat the odds instead of wallowing in self pity has got to be someone worth knowing. Many people are apprehensive of those with disabilities, so they turn away from it. You’re not the one with the handicap, they are. You have seen beyond.

I don’t know the nature of your handicap, but I went through a period when I lost control of my motor skills. I was literally paralyzed. During that time I discovered what was truly important. When I lost control over my body I was taken somewhere else; taken so deep that I could never have gone there without that handicap on my own .No one can until they live it, until they walk the walk and talk the talk. I came through that period a far better person than I was before .No sir – you are not the one with the handicap. Rather, you are a wise and incredibly sensitive guy, and the right lady will come along. She will see your beautiful soul, not what no longer works on you. Keep believing in true love; I know it exists. I have not found it yet, either, but I have seen it, and it is something worth believing in.

Are good fathers really something women consider sexy? Moreover, other than the obvious, what is the least attractive thing a father can do when around his kids in a woman’s eyes? Finally, is there a stigma for single fathers as there is for single mothers? – D.J.

I don’t know if “sexy” is the right word for a man who is a good dad. “Attractive” might be a better word for describing how women see single dads. I remember looking at my ex when our children were small. He would make these goofy noises and they would be crawling all over him squealing with delight. And during that moment, I would be more in love with him than I ever thought possible. I wouldn’t want to go jump his bones necessarily, but I would want to hug him to pieces for loving our children so much. The worst would be seeing our kids trying to get his attention. They would want to show or tell him something that was terribly important to them, and his mind would be somewhere else. During that moment, when a child feels ignored, the smile on his or her sweet face collapses, replaced by desolation, confusion and hurt. That is when your husband can erase every warm and fuzzy thought that ever ran through your head over him.

As for stigma, there shouldn’t be any for either single moms or dads. Both have an incredibly difficult job and responsibility, and should be admired for their efforts. It’s hard enough trying to raise children with two parents in the house, yet alone. It’s a miracle they survive the children reaching adulthood at all!

A couple of relationships I have had ended with the women telling me that there was “something missing.” They were upset because they couldn’t understand it, but they could feel it. They couldn’t really tell me what it was, or give me any details, because they [allegedly] didn’t know. Now, if they don’t know and can’t explain it, and I don’t know what it is, what’s a guy to do? I do self-reflection and try to understand what it is that I don’t know, but it does me no good. Is it that I just haven’t found the right woman, or am I just over thinking the whole thing? – Craig

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said “I haven’t found the right woman”. Did you ever think the woman saying “something is missing” might be the one who is missing something in the relationship? Don’t make yourself crazy trying to figure out what you aren’t doing, and especially don’t try to do what you think she says is missing. That will only change who you are, and if you can’t be your true self the relationship will never work. I know firsthand. When I tried to be the person my ex wanted me to be, in other words, the woman he saw me being, I lost who I was. And with it all the wonderful little things about me that people loved in the first place. If something is missing, then you simply haven’t found the right woman, because when you do she will adore everything about you, right down to your toes. Be yourself – there is nothing more attractive than that.

What do you think is the problem when a man and a woman love each other but are not sexually attracted to each other, though they occasionally see each other naked. They are not married, and do not live together, but when traveling they sleep in the same bed. This has been going on for over 20 years. – C.C.

I don’t see that as a problem at all. In fact, I find it delightful that two people truly love each other and are able to accept the fact that they do not feel driven to engage in sex, yet continue to explore life together. They are taking their pleasure from one another to a deeper, more lasting nature. Sex is the easy ingredient to a relationship for the most part. It is what happens afterwards that sometimes makes the relationship last or fall apart; like actually having to talk to the person, like them ,and be interested in what they are saying. Obviously, 20 years is considered a long relationship. This couple must really enjoy and like each other, or they would not still be hanging out with one another. Sex is not the glue that holds a relationship together. Sure, it can be fun and exciting. But as Peggy Lee sang: “Is that all there is?. . . Is that all there is?. . . If that’s all there is, my friend, then let’s keep on dancing.”