Fuck Making the List, Make the Legacy

“The only way you change anything is to use bad taste to get somebody to accept something that they didn't before.” – John Waters on the social importance of bad taste.

I don't know. I guess I just had to do it. It seems like every decent book I've ever read began with a quote of some kind, so I kinda felt obligated to drop one myself for the inaugural issue of Cigar Advisor.

I am extremely excited to use that John Waters quote for a variety of reasons, the first being that I have had it saved in the “notes” section of my iPhone for way too long, so I can finally erase it. I consider this alone a milestone, as I love to erase shit from my iPhone.

As the only child of two antique dealers, I am the reigning fucking king of the cigar world for hanging on to things “for way too long”… paintings, bad paintings, graffiti, broken cigar molds, old cell phones, giant tobacco bale pressing machines, broken lamps and lighting fixtures, gaudy pieces of jewelry, non matching end tables, empty beer bottles, door frames, primitive cabinets that are half rotted away, machines of any nature, plastic tubes, scribbled notes and old notebooks, canvas art of any kind, colonial tiles, porn dvd's that are useless with the advent of Tube8, complaining people, large dogs, small dogs, wooden boxes of any kind, plastic injected molds of any design, and general junk. Hoarding at its finest. Yes, sorry to inform you, but your Li'l Hommie, “JDizzle” is the quintessential modern day Sanford & Sons … And I have a huge cigar factory to store it all in and secretly make it appear as though it's part of the décor. Hahahahahahahah. “Yes, now tidy up that junk, fellaz. We have to spiff it up real good before Cigar Safari season begins”. Hahahahahaahah.

But it wasn't always this way for your buddy, “SNACKi”, my friends. The year was 1998 and I had just moved to Nicaragua to build a fully functional cigar factory with only $1,800 cash money in a brown paper lunch bag. I figured that it was time for some good ole “change” for the cigar industry, and there was no better way to do it than using my special talent – Bad Taste. Well, holy rats dirty ass, I think that it just may have worked. We dropped a trademark bomb that centered on a new conceptual ethos called “The Rebirth of Cigars”. Picture that, a bunch of blue collar numbnuts with a blood thirsty passion for smoking cigars suddenly became the mavericks of the cigar industry and there was no better way to do it than by being ourselves, humble, passionate, urban and seriously creative.

Now what reputable magazine is gonna go and put these jerkoffs on their “Big List”, huh …?

Oh, let me count the Big Lists that we've graced. Hmm, the “Most Broke Ass” list? Oh wait, what about the “Most Shit for Brains in the Head” list? No, no, no , it had to be the “I Don't Give a Fuck List” … Yup, that's the one. And that's exactly where the alias “Valle Verga” comes from my friends. My official title in Managua, Nicaragua's Holiday Inn Hotel: “El Valle Verga” … translation to English for those Non-Spanglish speakers is “Mr. I Don't Give a Fuck”. So there it is, Bad Taste at its finest, and makin’ some quality “change”. Think that's what Obama means by “change”? Hahahaha, I don't think so.

So here we are … just hanging out together in this new technological E-Magazine that the Cigar Advisor team put together for us. And what did we learn from my first monthly column? We learned that shit's gonna “change”, dammit … and this Cigar Advisor may just be “change that we can finally believe in for once and for fuckin’ all”.

Please keep an eye out for Section 8's next monthly column:

“WHO SAID YOU WAS BOUTIQUE, HOMESKILLET …?”

– A Monthly Column by JDrew –

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á Oh, also, please support the “Cigars 4 Warriors” organization to help keep our active military men and woman stocked up on stogies while they are overseas.