Cigar Lifestyle

5 Outrageous Characters You’ll Find at Every Herf

5 Outrageous Characters You’ll Find at Every Herf

By Tommy Zman Zarzecki

Ah, the beloved Herf – a gathering of people who smoke cigars, imbibe some liquid goodness, maybe break some bread, and throw the proverbial bull for hours on end. It’s a most wonderful ritual, bringing folks from all walks of life together, who sit and do nothing, while accomplishing absolutely nothing… other than enjoying the camaraderie and having your loved ones yell when you arrive home stinking like a tire fire.

The Herf brings out smokers of every class, from newbie 101 to tobacco-toking veterans of decades gone past and everything in between. Now, when attending a decent sized gathering of ash masters, you’ll generally find 5 personality types – some will piss you off, some, you will gravitate to, and some of these leafy archetypes may actually be you. Now, see below, as I present to you these 5 most outrageous characters…

 

moocher at every herfThe Malevolent Moocher…He’s a conniving little shit, with beady eyes and a penchant for removing quality smokes from your travel humidor. You’ll find him and others like him at every damned herf, bumming the finest smokes, because he is indeed, a scathing, bottom feeding bum, 1st class. This miscreant joins his brothers and sisters of the leaf for a day or night of puffing pleasure, but there’s one thing that always seems to be missing… HIS OWN CIGARS! This prick is so cheap, he rides a crowded subway just to get his clothes pressed. He’s a bona fide puro predator, making every excuse why he forgot his box of Padron ‘26’s, because he knows you’ll pity the ingrate, while convincing you to relinquish a stick or two from your stash. Word to the wise… when you see this steaming tobacco turd slithering your way, make sure to just say no… that, and a swift kick to the jimmies will always send the proper message.

 

cigar band flasher herfThe Cigar Band Flasher…“Ooooh, look at me, look at me,” he’s saying with his gestures, as he waves his Opus X around like the checkered flag guy at the Indy 500. Five or six boxes of Cuban contraband sit on the stool next to him while he lets the entire bar know exactly how much he laid out for the Vegas Robainas that just came in from Geneva. While us regular folk have our bookies and ganja dealers, this Bolivar braggart has his Swiss connection on speed dial, speaking loudly into the phone so even the guys in the kitchen can hear that he’s putting in another hefty order for some real-deal Cohibas. Unless this brash boner is actually handing out his law-breaking bounty, I couldn’t give a rat’s ash about his pricey sticks, and I wish this sanctimonious gasbag would just STFU and enjoy the Herf.

hand cigars out at a herfMr. Benevolent…While your run of the mill Herf features a number of abrasive and unsavory cretins, Mr. Benevolent is here to save the day, while restoring your faith in humanity. This cheerful brother of the leaf is truly the real spirit of Herfiness as he totes his war chest of a travel humidor around, bringing enough premium aged goodness for everyone in attendance – yeah, even that mooching little son of a bitch. Plain and simple, the guy is a tobacco philanthropist. “Would you like a Fuente Don Carlos?” he asks with a smile on his face. “Perhaps a Black Market… oooh, wait, I have some really tasty Aging Room Maduros… just tell me what you like!” Compassionate, caring, generous and altruistic, this patron saint of sun grown goodness is a breath of fresh air in a room full of sweaty fat bastids in 6 XL t-shirts.

 

dropping names at aherfThe Notorious Name Dropper…He’s the ultimate fanboy of the cigar world, puffing away on the sticks of his favorite manufacturers while regaling the room with many a tale of hanging with stogie royalty. “Did I ever tell you guys about the time I was at Nick Perdomo’s house, playing his drums out on the veranda while getting shit faced on rum runners all night?,” he’ll ask, while a Perdomo 20th Anniversary dangles from his lying jaw. “Then there was the time Jonathan Drew invited me on a 125 foot yacht down in Miami and I beat Jose Blanco in a fried conch eating contest. Damn, those guys love me!” Do tell, my friend, do tell… “And then there was the night when… uh, hang on guys, Rocky’s calling me… yeah, hey Rock… you’re what? You’re naming your new Shih Tzu after me? Gosh, I don’t know what to say!” Well, I do – you’re completely full of Shinola! Now go hang out with the Cigar Band Flasher, ‘cuz you two bloviating bores will get along quite nicely.

 

no life herfNo Life Larry…He shows his face at every Herf, every, every cigar-b-que, every cigar dinner, and every back yard gathering. Why? Because, as the name so clearly illustrates, this torpedo toking dullard has NO life. With all the social skills of an orangutan at a black tie brunch, he talks about cigars and only cigars – it’s all he knows and all he cares about. He has no time for movies or TV, the Dow Jones average bores him, he saw a Mets game once when he was in third grade, and he gets the snot beat out of him any time he’s ever talked about politics. Ask him if he thinks Obama Care should be repealed and his answer will be that Erik Espinosa is appearing at Stogie Planet next Saturday. Show him a picture of your kids and he’ll show you how his maduro is canoeing. Ask him what he does for a living and you’ll find out he watches movies all day on his iPad at the local cigar lounge. And ya think Larry’s ever kissed a girl? Come on, who has that kind of time when you’re planning your 132nd trip to Cigar Safari.

So, there they are, the 5 Outrageous Ones who fortunately or unfortunately make their presence felt at every damned Herf. So, let’s hear your thoughts in the comments below – have you met one of these fellows, and better yet, is there anyone to add to the list? Lay it on me guys, I wanna hear from you!

newest oldest most voted
Jack Bliesath
Guest
Jack Bliesath

Guess my Herf hang out is different. Good guys that love cigars, booze and comraderie. Thanks for the article! They’re always entertaining!

Michael Hodges
Guest
Michael Hodges

So, I read this while smoking a real life Cohiba as I was sitting on the deck of Mr. Thompson’s 279′ yacht, “The Golden Goose”, and got a real kick out of the descriptions! LOL!!

John Kana
Guest
John Kana

Unfortunately,I’ve met most of these guys on several occasions. I steer clear and hang with my regular crew….always a great time. Informative read,Tommy.

Curt Williams
Guest
Curt Williams

I have met a few of these guys,but excuse me but Nick is calling and I need to take the call
Will get back with you before I go to dinner with Carlos Fuente. Great job Tommy

Garth Bugenhagen
Guest
Garth Bugenhagen

I’ve seen them all. Being a herf organizer for over 12 years with my Brotherhood of the Leaf club, I have witnessed almost every cigar personality that exists. They can’t all be as F’n cool and gorgeous as us Z. LOL! Great stuff as always.

Tom Petzold
Guest
Tom Petzold

Lmfao, I have met all these at one time or another. Especially funny was the asshat showing us his “private stock” of Cubans an ” unnamed friend” smuggled in……if they were real Cubans, why does the band say “made in Cuba” in English????? Baaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaa.

Bob Langmaid
Guest
Bob Langmaid

Great article, and I’ve met several of these characters at here and lounges…. it’s funny to see them and wonder if they have any idea how douchey they are???

Frank C. Hickey
Guest
Frank C. Hickey

Lmfao! Another master piece brother. Really appreciate your articles to keep me informed and entertained. Keep up the awesome work.

John Cavaco
Guest
John Cavaco

We few, we merry few… At our herfs at FRA, we all try to be a sharing group… Although I have met at least 3 of these fine (�) gentlemen mentioned. Happy Herfing from Hawaii

Brent Garvin
Guest
Brent Garvin

Great read… I’ve been around all 5 of these characters… all I do is grin and bare it, enjoy my cigar of the evening and sip my single malt because you can’t fix stupid!.. enjoy the leaf,bro

Sheri Bell Olivieri
Guest
Sheri Bell Olivieri

Well Z….it certainly was a fun read. I can’t say i’ve met all 5 of the subjects but, certainly a few. That said….how boring it would be, were everybody the same… all moochers would make you hoard your stash….all Larrys would make you kill yourself….all name droppers would make you forget your name…all Mr. Benevolents would make you a thief….and, all cigar band flashers would make you change all the bands on your cigars…before each herf. Personality makes the world go ’round…just think…if we all had yours, we’d all be vieing for the same articles and accolades. ;) It certainly… Read more »

Richard DeFay
Guest
Richard DeFay

Great article. Sadly funny because we all know these folks. Your spot on in identifying them. Now I will be analyzing everyone at the lounge.

Steve Manno
Guest
Steve Manno

Hilarious depiction of men who, at one time or another, I’ve spotted and come to known. I’ve been noticing more and more cigar snobs lately and fewer of the mooches since they can’t give out cigars at events anymore, unless you pay an event fee. I’m still trying to figure out which of those I might be. I might have been a bit of all of them at one time or the other. Now I just STFU and listen.

Grant Orahood Sr.
Guest
Grant Orahood Sr.

Hilarious! Great read. I haven’t been to enough herf’s to know these types, but it is a good heads up on what to look out for.

Scott Hendrix
Guest
Scott Hendrix

A fantastic read it was hilarious , you really have a way with words Z . I think I am Mr. Benevolent haha all about having a good time and love sharing my cigars with friends . Cheers brother !

Jeff England
Guest
Jeff England

The descriptions are very astute ZMan!! I’ve met them and loathed them. (Except for Mr. Benevolent, who sounds a lot like ME)!! Definitely some characters to be on the lookout for. Thanks for the warning.

Charles Stivali
Guest
Charles Stivali

I’ve been all 5. Yea, that’s me. In the beginning they called me Chas the Spaz because I was the “No Life Larry” dude. Then they told me “Chuck, you suck” because I was mooching from everyone. The worst was when they called my “Lyin’ Boots” because of the tall tales I told of all the cigar dudes I’ve met. I pretended to be the Cigar Band Flasher for while but nobody thought my White Owl and Nat Sherman bands were worth a bundle of seconds that didn’t pass Qatar controls. Truthfully, I try to be the kind of guy… Read more »

Larry Winget
Guest
Larry Winget

Okay, Zman, why the hell does it have to be No Life Larry and not No Life Bruce? Wait, we all know why it can’t be Bruce . . . no need to even say. But there were plenty of other names to choose from – you didn’t need to tarnish the good name Larry. So as the self-proclaimed spokesman for Larrys everywhere, may a band of moochers (hate those guys) raid your humidor and knock your beer over. Actually, I hope that doesn’t happen to anyone. Ever. Great article. LARRY.

Darren Proctor
Guest
Darren Proctor

Spot on!!! And don’t forget “Dress Up Guy”. The one who sports dress clothes and fancy pants despite working at the car wash!

William Woodson
Guest
William Woodson

Add this one Z the (Political Poker) this jackwagon liked to stir the pot with his views on how the world should be ran and who should do it…we don’t care we are here to smoke and forget about the world

David Michael Kern
Guest
David Michael Kern

I’m sure this is so true….I’ve been lucky in that I have had the pleasure of mostly good company when I hang with BOTL and SOTL. Great article Tommy.

Nicholas Keller
Guest
Nicholas Keller

Omg!! Great article!! My oldest daughter’s wedding was this weekend!! I had two boxes of Opus X’s, 5 boxes of Montecristo White Belisco #2…yes I sound like a braggart…just like the article!! But seriously…people walked around at the rehearsal dinner, reception and the Sunday Super Bowl Party Brunch like “They” bought the cigars…smoked 1/3 of an Opus X and complained it wasn’t Cuban! Seriously??

Dwayne Bartlett
Guest
Dwayne Bartlett

ZMAN, this is a hilarious article that hits the nail on the head. The moral of this story for ME is this, if you don’t know at least one of these characters then, one or more of these characters is YOU. I know a cigar spot full of them ����

Alfonso Gomez
Guest
Alfonso Gomez

Well, I don’t have friends that enjoy cigars, except one. We usually get together an smoke a couple in a local cigar lounge. One time I buy the cigars, next time he buys them. We enjoy shooting the breeze while smoking and drinking espresso, no milk, of course. When I get my cigar mail call I give him a sampler of the cigars I buy. He does the same for me. So I guess we are both Mr. Benelovent.

Iliana Graibe
Guest
Iliana Graibe

I love the article. So detailed and realistic. I actually visioned every one of these characters as I have met individuals that are like that. That’s why I enjoy my cigar while I’m at the garden or just enjoying a Beautiful Day. When I do get together with friends they are simple and warm to the encounter without flashing the Cigar.

Tommy Zman Zarzecki

Tommy Zman Zarzecki

Editor-at-Large

Tommy Zman, is an obsessive enjoyer of life’s leafy pleasures. Growing up in the bowels of northern New Jersey, parented by an eccentric Polish father and a neurotic Italian mother, what else could this man possibly be other than a humorist? ZMan’s a real throwback to a time when men were kings of the castle and smoking a cigar in public didn’t label you an outcast and a pariah. He’s an old–school down to earth guy - but when it comes to p.c. tyranny and nanny-state legislature, he’ll draw his sword and swing for the fences. Tommy gathered a faithful following as a longtime feature writer at Cigar Magazine, and his testosterone laden FaceBook community, CROMAG NATION™ is truly the last great bastion for Men’s Men.

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