National Cigar Day – The Party Begin’s Now!!!
There are many glorious holidays observed the world over, but none are more important to me than the day of celebration that falls on February 27th. What is that you say? Is it possible that you’re not familiar with perhaps the greatest day of the year, bar none, including Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Stay Home in Your Underwear, Scratch Yourself, Drink Scotch and Grunt Like A Badger Day? Well, my unknowing friends in leafiness, it’s time to break out the cutters and lighters because you’re about to get your smoke on, because I’m talking about none other than…
National Cigar Day!
Hammerstein, who was actually best known later in life as a producer and theater impresario, was one pretty smart cookie when he decided to migrate to the United States as a young man in 1864. To make ends meet he worked in a cigar factory on Pearl Street in New York City until he actually became a cigar maker himself and then founded the U.S Tobacco Journal. The guy was granted over 80 US patents, with the bulk of them being for the machinery he conceived for cigar manufacturing. His very first cigar-making machine sold for $6,000, but eventually he perfected the process over several incarnations, creating the grand daddy of all mechanical torcedors, which sold for a whopping $200,000 – one hell of a lot of money in that day and age!
Yes indeed, February 27th is to those of us who lavish in the leaf, a day of most holy observance as we commemorate the great Oscar Hammerstein’s patent for a machine that in my estimation holds ground with the likes of the automobile, the printing press, the pacemaker, and the Etch-a-Sketch. So, you’re probably wondering exactly what kind of glorified jubilation goes on around the world in honor of Sir Oscar’s perfecto forging feat. Well, I did a bit of research, scouring the internet, making phone calls, and busting my proverbial hump in order to put together a master list of the cigar induced rejoicing that will be taking place on this great day of days. So, here’s what’s happening on February 27…
- Cigar Roller Flash Mob, Brussels, Belgium – Rogue groups of white hat wearing torcedors from around Europe will be sprouting up around the city from 9am to midnight. (Did you catch the pun… Brussels… sprouting… never mind.) Just when you least expect it, chaveta wielding mad men will be rolling the premiums at intersections, gas stations and church parking lots a plenty. Waffles will be served at noon.
- Herfing in Space, Minsk, Russia – Those crazy comrades are at it again as twelve lucky cigar lovers will be launched into space, as they embark on a 24 hour herfathon at the smoke friendly International Space Station. Legendary Russian ice hockey goaltender, Vladimir Tretiak will be joining the group along with three Cossack dancers, a case of Stoli, and of course, Bruno, the skating Russian circus bear.
- Cigar Box Jenga, Times Square, New York City – Midtown Manhattan will be a cigar smokers playground as throngs of puro-pounding New Yorkers defy former Mayor Bloomberg’s fascist inspired no-smoking law. Thousands of cigar boxes will be stacked up high while anti-smoking zealots toss epithets at participants. Police in riot gear are to be expected.
- Cigar Juggling World Record, Toronto, Canada – Famed Canadian side show performer, Jean Guy Flambe will attempt to break his own current world record by juggling 50 toros while perched high above the city atop the CN Tower. Wind conditions are expected to be in the range of 35 mph and next of kin has been notified.
- Ode to Tobaccus Ceremony, Athens, Greece – This leafy spectacle will be taking place outside the Parthenon as a tribute to the glorious and mighty Tobaccus, Athenian god of premium aged cigar tobacco. Locals will be treated to a full day of gypsy folklore, north Jersey diner food, and a stand up routine from Greek comedic legend, Nick Androphispants. All human sacrifices have been postponed due to a new citywide ordinance.
- Man Will Smoke in four US states… all at Once – Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona & Utah – Since he was 14 years old growing up in the backwoods of Kentucky, professional moonshiner, Clem Flern had a dream like no other – to smoke a premium hand rolled cigar while skillfully positioning his body at the famed Four Corners in the American southwest. With the financial backing of an unnamed reality TV distillery, Flern will bring his lifelong dream to fruition. Onlookers can have their photo taken with Clem for a dollar – black tooth grins setting you back an additional twenty-five cents.
- Cigar Ash Sculptures, Santiago, Dominican Republic – All the major cigar manufacturers will be entering their most talented artisans as the city square will be transformed into one big ash thing of beauty. Approximately 20,000 cigars will be smoked in order to create these ornate works of flaky white art. Note that paramedic teams will be on hand to treat all cases of black lung.
- Smoked Cigar Auction, London, England – Famed auction house, Christie’s of London will be holding a most unique soiree as cigars will be auctioned off that have already been smoked by celebrities and world renowned people. After Winston Churchill’s pre-smoked cigar butt fetched big dollars a few years back, the English firm has decided to continue with the concept. Feature auction items are said to include a corona smoked by Monty Python member, John Cleese, a De Nobili used in the film Goodfellas by Joe Pesci, and a Cohiba, recently defiled by teen douchebag, Justin Bieber.
- Cigar Smokers in a VW Bus, Miami, Florida – An over zealous group of University of Miami students will chase a world record of their own as they attempt to fit 27 seven people in a 1967 Volkswagen Bus, all while simultaneously smoking cigars. Word has it that local authorities may put the kibosh on the event as several students were seen purchasing cases of Phillies Blunts at a North Miami bodega only hours ago. We’ll keep you posted.