Five Things a Cigar Smoker Should Never, Ever Do…Ever.

5 Things a Cigar Smoker Should Never, Ever Do… EVER!

By Tommy Zman Zarzecki

I generally find that cigar smokers are some of the most wonderful sorts of people who love the camaraderie of a fellow aficionado while enjoying the pleasures that life has to offer. But, in all walks of life, there are some seriously annoying goons who are about as much fun as a jockstrap made of sandpaper. Yes, there are cigar guys who commit blatant acts of ignorance and I’m here to warn you of these belligerent boners. And if you happen to be one of these turds, may the Lord have mercy on your soul.

Let’s face it, the cigar world is being pummeled and brutally attacked by the HATERS – the Smoke Nazi’s who will stop at nothing to eradicate the lifestyle we love. So, more than ever we cigar smokers need to be considerate and conscious of where we light up and who we’re around. Now let me state quite emphatically – DO NOT think that I mean we should stay silent and let the HATERS have their way – not a chance. More than ever we need to speak up for our rights that are being trampled on a daily basis. But, face it guys, we’ve got enough people hating our leaf-loving asses and being a courteous cigar smoker is just good business. Seriously, don’t be THAT guy. See my Cigar Advisor YouTube video on Cigar Etiquette addressing this very subject:

If there was an eighth deadly sin, THIS could actually be the one. I skeve out like nobody’s business, to the point where I almost hurl when I watch a guy do a Linda Lovelace on the head of his Fuente, then grab a borrowed cutter to snip it. This hygienic atrocity is an egregious act that beckons for a Sopranos-style beat down of the perpetrating dunce. Face it, you just don’t know where that guy’s mouth has been and passing on one’s pathogens is the literal definition of wrong. Bottom Line: Friends don’t let friends deep throat then snip.

We ALL know THAT guy. According to this pompous highbrow, cigars born on the island situated ninety miles south of Key West are the ONLY cigars that will ever touch his overtly pretentious lips. Don’t even attempt to tell this snoot about the tasty treasures of Nicaragua, Honduras and the Dominican Republic because he will just sneer at your ridiculous suggestions. To him, you are part of the unwashed and the uncultured as he pounds his credit card with box orders from Switzerland and Spain. Listen, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying a good stick from Habanos – you wanna pay the premo bucks, go and knock yourself out. But don’t try and convince me that Cuban cigars are the only cigars a person should smoke because you’re wrong – dead wrong. To think that this Habano blowhard has never had the pleasure of firing up a Perdomo, Padron or Liga Privada is just sad.

We all know the mighty MOOCH… the cheap-ass bastid who shows up to a herf or cigar-b-que claiming to have forgotten his precious sticks. He’s a pathetic letch and everyone knows and loathes his predictable charade. He’s well aware that cigar lovers are some of the most generous people on earth, so he preys upon their benevolence like the crocodile bird that feasts on parasites from the reptile’s generously opened jaws. He’s well aware that he’ll be offered a gaggle of premium leafy goodness so he stock piles like the heinous hoarder that he is. Oh yeah, he’ll also rummage through your fridge to find the most expensive beer and complain that you didn’t make enough burgers. So, if you are THIS guy, get it through you’re skull that you are a pariah, and make sure your insurance rider covers accidental backyard beat downs.

This inconsiderate and brazen act of stupidity is perhaps the rudest thing you could possibly do to a cigar shop owner. These hard working people are in business to make money so they can pay their bills and support their families. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen it go down where the owner has to walk on egg shells while politely telling these numbskulls that they need to buy something if they want to hang out… Then, to watch the idiot get insulted while threatening to leave and never come back. “GOOD, LEAVE you friggin moron,” is what I told a guy once at a friend of mine’s shop a few years back. “Would you bring your own six pack to a bar?” I threw in the clod’s face. “Would you lug a big hero sandwich into a restaurant and sit at a table for an hour or two without ordering?” RUDE! Some of you might be asking who would actually do such a thing, but trust me, they’re out there and it’s not cool, my friends.

So, there you go, five of my top things a cigar smoker should never, ever do. Hey, I’d love to read some of the cigar smoker peeves about that drive you nuts. Share ‘em in the comments below and let’s make a pact to rid the world of cigar stupidity once and for all.