5 MORE Things a Cigar Smoker Should Never, Ever Do… EVER!
By Tommy Zman Zarzecki
Back on October 25, 2015, I wrote what has now become Part 1 of this two-part series in the things that are just flat-out uncool no-no’s for every cigar smoker, young and old alike, both newbies and longtime lovers of leafiness. So, today I give you Part 2 – 5 MORE things I say NO to! Now I just know that YOU are a smart and considerate cigar smoker, so let’s just say that the following list of atrocities is aimed at someone you might have known in your smoking circles. So, next time, instead of smashing them in the forehead with a bottle of expensive hootch, just pass along my scholarly advice found below.
I get asked this one by newbies and tobacco neophytes all the time and the answer is simple… STOP RIGHT NOW… put down that damned cigar and back away from your drink. Now, unless your mission is to completely f@#k up a nice premium cigar, then by all means, just go and submerge the head of your stick into a glass of that libation. That’s right, dunk it a good inch or two so the alcohol soaks up into the leaf as it becomes so sopping wet that you’ll never be able to draw a puff from that puro again. For God’s sake… just drink the drink and puff the cigar like you’re supposed to because you will receive a rousing whack in the back of the dome if I catch you doing this egregious act of cigar ruining.
I see a lot of guys do this and it’s annoying for everyone. Somebody smashes the lit butt of their cigar into an ashtray as thick charry smoke bellows into the atmosphere causing blurred vision and a smoldering, stinking mess that can last for several ungodly minutes. THAT is a no-no, people. Now if you’re a smart and experienced cigar smoker, of course you know this already. But if you happen to actually perform this rude act of ridiculousness, or know someone who does, it’s time to put an end to the shenanigans. The proper technique is to simply rest the cigar in your ashtray and let it extinguish all by itself. Wow, that was hard and took all kinds of mental and physical effort, didn’t it?
This isn’t just a matter of etiquette, it’s a matter of not being an inconsiderate disease spreading jackwagon. While there are several things that rightfully piss a cigar store owner off, this act of idiocy ranks pretty high on the naughty list. Okay, giving a quick pinch to a stick or two to check for freshness is acceptable as is taking a quick sniff of the foot. But some brutally inconsiderate knuckleheads will feel up every damned cigar in the humidor like a raging tobacco pervert. And then there are those who not only shove the foot half way up their sinus cavity, but they also run their grimy proboscis up and down the cigar lengthwise while spreading typhoid throughout the store – all while putting each infected stick back into the box. If you see this happening, either let the shopkeeper know about it or light the inconsiderate turd’s Montecristo while it’s stuck in his nose.
While snobs of all shapes and sizes are annoying, cigar snobs are truly a despicable lot. Here’s my beef… a lot of guys are on fixed budgets and incomes and just don’t have the funds to purchase higher end cigars. Many of my friends buy bundled smokes and if that’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for me; I mean, they are enjoying their love for cigars and that’s all that matters. But recently, a friend offered one of his bundled sticks to some high-brow prick at a cigar bar and the guy basically acted as if my buddy shoved a German Shepherd scat into his face. I’ve also heard guys making fun of another smoker’s choice, and just listening to indignant gas bags like this really frosts my onions. This is truly a matter of to “each his own” and really, why should anybody care what cigar a man smokes. If you only smoke Cubans, Opus or Padron 1926, that’s awesome…just please be mindful that the average Joe eats hot wings instead of caviar.
Okay, I know this just sounds like plain old common sense but leaving butts and ashes around without disposing of them is just another reason to make the Smoke Nazi crowd hate us even more. Often when I play golf I’ll find stogie butts tossed in the fairway or off to the side at tee boxes and around the green. I once took a shot from the sand trap and some moron actually buried his stick under the sand and I whacked that with my wedge! Sometimes I’ll find them resting on a wall or a bench and I think to myself, why give the haters anymore ammunition. Like I said, it’s just common sense… make sure it’s extinguished and disposed properly.
So, what are your thoughts on the above mentioned no-no’s and what are some of the things that drive you batty? Share with me in the comment section below!