A Rant By Tommy Zman Zarzecki
Cigar smoking is a passion, a passion that grips a person’s soul and becomes a very part of his overall lifestyle. We longtime, experienced lovers of the leaf not only adore our hand rolled delights, but we’ll go out of our way to help a newbie learn the many ins-and-outs of this smoke-filled pastime. For the most part, we are a patient lot, lending our cigar knowledge in every way we can to enrich the lives of others who wish to join the ranks of the hand rolled honor society.
Did I say that we are patient? Well… to a point. There are those who test our patience from time to time and admittedly, it gets on our nerves – coming from those who don’t smoke cigars, and worse yet, from those who loathe our sacred rite of relaxation.
Let me put this as plain and simple as I can… some people ask us stogie lovers the dumbest and most annoying shit humanly possible. Then there are those who rudely ask us to do things with our beloved sticks that require us to use great restraint while holding back from administering both a verbal and physical beat down. So, now that I’ve got your attention, below I give you my personal list of the 5 things you just never, ever ask an accomplished longtime cigar smoker.
This is never a question asked with an innocent tone by those who have a sincere interest in your well-being. It’s asked by haters and smoke Nazis who are trying to forcefully thrust their values and beliefs upon you and me. There are those who troll their way onto the Cigar Advisor Facebook page with posts like, “You’re all going to die”, and “I hope you enjoy your cancer”. Do they post on skydiver forums and say, “I hope your chute doesn’t open”? I often answer their question with a series of questions to them… do you drink alcohol, eat anything fried, enjoy some cakes or candies, drink sugar-filled carbonated drinks or worse yet – diet soda, munch on salt-laden snack treats… damn, do ever you bungee jump or ride on roller coasters? I’ll often get a snide retort like, “yeah, but I do that stuff in moderation”. Yeah, well, Mr. Save Me From Myself douchebag, so do I. I enjoy a legal adult pleasure that calms my mind and brings down my blood pressure in a world full of arrogant budinsky f@%ktards like you. So, the final thing I always ask a belligerent turd like this, is, “Why do you ask a rude and asinine question like that, instead of minding your own damned business and just live and let live?”
Yes, I have actually been asked this a number of times over the past few years and unfortunately, it’s never from a super-hot babe, but always from a sweaty, middle-aged guy waddling around in a 8x t-shit. All kidding aside, this is just foul and disgusting and I always have this look of horror and disbelief when asked. I guess to some people, hygiene is overrated. I’ve watched younger guys who vape take hits off each other’s mods and that skeeves me out, but to take someone else’s soaking wet stogie and place it between your own lips? Good God, stop me from talking about this immediately. If the FDA wants warnings on cigar boxes, how ‘bout we get one approved from the World Health Organization for this disease ridden practice.
What chu tawkin’ ‘bout Willis?! Listen, I’ve said it time and time again that I am a conscientious cigar smoker and I continually profess that everyone who loves the leaf should be. I don’t smoke near crowds of people, people I don’t know, and never around children. And while there are fewer places than ever where puffing is permitted, I will always seek out those hallowed bastions of smokiness to enjoy my passion. But do you think that matters? Not really, because the haters will always hate. I’ve had people more than 75 plus feet away on the other side of a quiet city street that will start hacking and gagging as if the black plague had made an unannounced comeback. Of course that comes equipped with waiving of the arms like they’re being attacked by a swarm of hornets. “Can you just go somewhere else with that stinking weed,” one rude couple demanded. I’m in the middle of a big city, 25 yards away, with pollutants being spewed by trucks, taxis and busses at every turn, yet you claim that I’m the one giving you black lung? Once in Vegas at a high-end casino I chose to play at a blackjack table with a sign that clearly said smoking permitted. As I fired up my tasty Inferno Flashpoint, two grouchy elder shrews sat down next to me and had the gall to ask me to move to another table. I reached out and grabbed the “smoking permitted” sign, placing it directly in front of them and said, “I’m sorry, ladies, I don’t have my glasses… can you gals tell me what that says?” After a few salty old-school expletives, they decided that expanding their barnyard-door asses at the buffet was a better choice.
Here I am, sitting on a bench on a beautiful day… I’m enjoying the hell out of a tasty Punch Gran Puro Nicaragua… not another human in site. Up comes a woman pushing a stroller who asks me to put my cigar out. I say that there is 200 billion sq feet of wide open space for the smoke to dissipate into the stratosphere and all you have to do is just keep walking by. She replies in her snarky tone, “It’s people like you who are killing our children.” So I peer into the stroller and it is empty, no child in sight. “Are you married to the Invisible Man?” …it was a fair question. She asks, more like demands in a stern tone to put out my cigar, the one I just lit only five minutes ago. If you’re a longtime cigar smoker like me, you’ve been asked this on golf courses, at barbecues, in casinos, hell, even smoke-friendly bars, and it never gets any easier to deal with. If I’m in a place where smoking is permitted, no, I will NOT put out my cigar. Again, I am very conscientious cigar smoker and I make sure I’m way clear of others, but again, the rude intolerance of the hateful many is appalling. We’re nothing but pariahs to them and in their minds, we basically have no rights. But guess what – we do. I will be nice and polite for as long as I can, but I have my limits and I am defending my rights. “No, lady, I will not put out my cigar… and that kid of yours is nothing to look at.”
It’s perhaps the number one moronic question of choice asked by novices and knuckleheads alike and I have stabbed people for less. Ok, kidding about the stabbing, but this is one hell of a peeve of mine and yeah, you’ve seen me write about it before. All right, I admit that this is not a question asked by the horribly rude haters, but it still just frosts my onions all the same. When asked, I always take a deep breath and answer as politely as I can with a “No, it’s not a Cuban”… well, unless it really does happen to be a Cuban.
How about you guys share in the comments below, your thoughts on my list and give me some questions that make you crazy!
Editor-at-Large
Tommy Zman, is an obsessive enjoyer of life’s leafy pleasures. Growing up in the bowels of northern New Jersey, parented by an eccentric Polish father and a neurotic Italian mother, what else could this man possibly be other than a humorist? ZMan’s a real throwback to a time when men were kings of the castle and smoking a cigar in public didn’t label you an outcast and a pariah. He’s an old–school down to earth guy - but when it comes to p.c. tyranny and nanny-state legislature, he’ll draw his sword and swing for the fences. Tommy gathered a faithful following as a longtime feature writer at Cigar Magazine, and his testosterone laden FaceBook community, CROMAG NATION™ is truly the last great bastion for Men’s Men.
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I was in a smoke friendly bar and a lady (smoking her 12th cigarette in a row) asked me to put out my cigar. She said it was offensive to her, I asked her to stop smoking her cheap cigarette and to spread the word because I find that smell offensive… she promptly returned to her drink and I returned to my pint.
My wife and I were sitting at the bar enjoying an after dinner drink and I had a cigar. This guy goes to the bartendar, right beside me, and asked him to tell me to put out the cigar. He didn’t have the decencey to say it to me. The bartendar told him that’s not going to happen, he just bought it from me. Guy was in the wrong place, they called it a cigar bar for a reason. I just smiled and took a puff.
Never happened.
Yes it did, a-hole…
I work part time at acigar bar. I’ve actually witnessed people complain that others were smoking cigars at the table next to them. Soon after she lit up a cigarette.
Yet another lie.
And yet another moronic answer by the trolling tard… f off, Duke, seriously…
Sat at a bar in a restaurant at which time smoking was still allowed. Everyone around me smoking cigarettes, I proceed to light a cigar, and the bar tender shuts me down. I politely point out all the cigarettes, says they’re ok,but no cigars. Calmly put down my menu,tell him to cancel my drink order, and get up and leave. Its payday, I don’t work the next day, carrier full of sticks, I’m a good tipper, and Im hungry. Sigh whata waste of possible revenue.
Your departure kept many more in their seats, so I’m sure the owner gave zero fucks that you left in a huff.
And NO ONE gives a fuck about you, Dukester… get lost please, this place is certainly not for you.
I was on my honeymoon in Tampa eating in the smoking section of a steakhouse. After dinner I lit up. Soon the waiter came in and asked that i put my cigar out. We had that back and forth of, “im in the smoking section” and “but sir, a customer complained”. He then said if I didn’t put it out, I’d have to leave or they’d call the police. Discretion being the better part of valor, WE left. Four of us in our party, steaks, drinks, desserts, and no tips!
Again, no one needs your money that badly. Lots of delusions of grandeur in this comment section.
You are a jack ass , Duke… no delusions there…
I one time had a lady who was a guest in my house at a memorial day weekend BBQ who happily ate my food that I cooked for her not only complain that my cigar is “killing her ” but yelled it out in the presence of the other guests and all I did was give her a big smile while drawing in my cigar and gently blow my big cloud of smoke in her face and asked her how was my food that she ate? What’s even funny is that one of the guests that were there became one of the owners of the cigar lounge that I frequent
Most of us treat guests on our homes far better than you do. Sounds like you throw trashy parties.
You don’t belong here, Dukie… this is for real men…
I think my biggest pet peeve is when someone asks me if I have a cigar I can give them. I’m very generous, so it’s not really sharing that bothers me. My problem is that as a cigar smoker I always have a cigar within reach (in my pocket, in the car, etc). My point is that all the real cigar smokers I know are the same way, so if someone is asking me for a cigar I assume they are not a real cigar smoker and I don’t want to waste a good cigar on them. Besides, they can be pretty expensive and if I saw that person waste my cigar I would be LIVID. Then there are the questions that naturally come after they ask you for a cigar: Do you have a cutter? Do you have a light? This is a good lighter; how much did you pay for it? This is a good cigar; what kind is is? Where did you buy it? How much? Is it Cuban? AHHHHHHHH!!!!
I was at a NASCAR race tailgating with my cousins, there were hundreds of grills charcoal and gas spewing everything into the air. The cars were on the track practicing. I lit up one of my favorite sticks, and so did my cousin, some lady 10 spots came walking up and asked us to put out our delights, said her dad was allergic to the smoke.
I could not believe what I was hearing, but told her sorry can’t do it. Proceeded to finish and then light another just for good measure!
My wife and I have started doing wineries in Northern Virginia. Lots of choices, really, 100’s. So, before we pick one, I check to see if it is cigar friendly. If it is not, it gets pushed down the list. If it is, I will always ask where that area is, and go there. I know whch cigar aromas that my wife likes, so those are the ones I try to match to the wines I will be drinking. Usually we end up away from the crowd, another benifit, as we can enjoy the wine, the scenery the privacy. Only once has someone made a negative comment, to which I responded,’this is the smoking section’. The complaintant said that it was too crowded and would like to be away from the others. I said have a seat and light one up. Needles to say the look I got was not a favorable one, I just took a sip and a long slow puff and smiled.
Has anyone else sat in a designated smoking area at a bar and have the establishment ask you to put out your cigar while five cigarettes smokers stand by onlooking? This has happened to me on quite a few occasions and I truly believe it’s because of the process of enjoying the unwrapping, cutting, pre lighting the absolute prosess then the sit back inhale and sigh of absolute relaxation of the moment. It’s information overload for the Sheeple to process. Bah aha
A few years ago I was sitting in my buddy’s cigar store enjoying a nice stick with our friends maybe 4-5 people, not too crowded. An old crotch opens the door (To the cigar store with the name clearly marked on the door)and immediately starts waving her arms and gagging like some deranged lunatic and she says, ” You people are disgusting, how can anyone breathe in here!” My friend, the owner, who is also a no-nonsense guy says, “It’s a cigar store you dumb bi*ch, not a fuc*king boutique, I don’t care what you want Get the f*ck out!” The look on her face was priceless. It turns out she thought she was walking into the restaurant which was next door. We could see her outside yelling at her Ned Flanders looking husband insisting he do something. Ned had a little common sense, he got her back in the minivan and left.
Your “buddy” sure knows how to treat a new customer. You sound a little snooty to me. Have you ever had a broken nose because of your attitude.
Great article. I have been asked these same questions with one exception. When I was asked question number 2 it was by my kids when they were young. Now that my boys are grown men, they too enjoy the leaf.
great read. i’m all about tone and sincerity , if someone politely asked me if I could put out my cigar I have no problem letting it burn out I will relight it later no worries , however if ” rude ” comes up to me , forget about it !! I’ll blow right in your face .. that’s how I roll !
You have a way of saying exactly what is on the mind of those of us that partake of the finer luxuries in life and on your terms too. Oh; the nerve! “Smoke em if you got em!” I personally like the long stares that hypnotically if to say, do you have to smoke that thing?
You know me Tommy I don’t shrink from a fight, but my favorite local B&M closed because they refused to stop people from smoking outside at the tables. On one side was a jewelry store and on the other a CPA and no one there complained. But 4 doors down some PC Smoke Nazi decided to open an OXYGEN BAR and they got enough complaints to get the property management company to raise the rent to an ungodly amount to run the shop out of business. I go back there from time to time and sit there and smoke. They complained most times but there is no law against ME smoking out there, and the damn OXYGEN BAR went out of business anyway within 6 months.
you’re child is nothing to look @.. frost my onions!! im stealing that last one..bwahahahaaa.. good hits..on good sticks…stay Smokey my brother..lol
I am sending this to all of my cigar smoking buddies. And I hope that all non-cigar smoking people read it too. Great article. Thanks, Zman!
My worst encounters are and have been with cigarette smokers in designated smoking areas. It is my belief that it all stems from the envy they possess from choosing to have a hot dog instead of a steak.
The ultimate question when I am smoking my cigar and someone asks me what’s your favorite cigar
My reply is the one I am smoking knuckle head.
I mostley smoke at home or go to my local cigar shop where everyone there appreciates cigars or pipes. I have a few neighbors that like to smoke as well so we usually get to gether and smoke and the other neighbors don’t complain, becasue we move away or we have a fire going that is already making smoke so it it not a problem. Now I remember back in the mid 90’s when I first started smoking being a nice steak house and we ate dinner in their tap room that aloud smoking. There was an older couple that when they finsihed came by and the man said he had enjoyed the smell of our cigars we were smokking.
I was in my local cigar store, a guy comes in with his wife. He is curious but obviously not a smoker so one of the guys takes him into the humidor to talk him through the selection, his wife stays out by the counter where a bunch of us are hanging out and proceeds to tell us that “those things will kill you eventually” so me being the snarky shit that I am replied “there is one thing guaranteed to kill you and that is living, it ends the same way for all of us so you will forgive us for enjoying it a little along the way” she looked a little shocked that someone would talk to her that way and opened her mouth to say something else but before she could I asked her “there’s another 7 seconds gone, are you sure you want to waste any more trying to save us from ourselves?” She stopped and left the store and her husband who had come out of the humidor behind me looked like he was about to explode from trying not to laugh!
“z” man I always get a good laugh while reading your works; this one is no exception! I nearly spit my coffee when I got to “Barnyard door asses” hahaha but honestly I will have to take this list of 5 and add it to my list of “10 things to never do in a cigar lounge” I’m renaming it to “15 things that will get you kicked out of my cigar haven”….lol
well the name is a work in progress but thanks for the laughs and keep them coming!
I’m a devout cigar smoker and fisherman, and like you, I adhere to the rules of when and where to smoke. While striper fishing along the Cape Cod Canal, and a good 50 yards from anyone, I fired up a tasty stick…. rod in one hand, stogie in another. 2 older women approached me with a vengence…. I knew what was coming…. “do you have to smoke that disgusting thing?” Without skipping a beat I replied ” this is nothing, I also smoke fish”.
They quickly left…
I was watching my daughter play softball (sitting away from the crowd) puffing on a stick when all of a sudden an outfielder jogged in and asked me to put it out. Also, I was relaxing in a park in Bend, OR all alone, when a couple walked up with to kids and asked me to leave or put it out. I simply blew out a big cloud and said, “Big park.”
I was out on a fishing trip one time and the seas were very rough. There were 4 ladies fishing down the rail from me who had not even wet a line by noon as they were busy leaning over the railing feeding last nights dinner to the fishes. Around noon, I dedcided to eat and afterwards, fire up a cigar as they allow them on the party boats. I never even thought of it as I lit up an infused cigar (Acid Kuba Kuba, I know you cigar perfectionists hate the thought of that) and as soon as the first puff of smoke went down the side of the boat, Those ladies and 3 others suddenly jumped up and ran to the rail to again feed the fishes! I instantly felt bad and was going to toss it to try and do the right thing when the captain stepped up and told me not to put it out as he too enjoyed a good cigar! I offered him one of mine and he offered me the back of the boat ( best spot to fish anyway) so I would not feel guilty and could keep enjoying my stick!
Yeah, well, you’re the asshole, not everyone else.
No Duke, it’s definitely you, ya fucking turd smoker…
thanks for sticking up for the one enjoyment that we able to still have tribute to the one that hand rolled that cigar. hell ya
thanks for the enjoyment we able to still have. guy that takes time to hand roll a cigar i thank you
Your right to pollute the air stops at my lungs, just like my right to swing my fist stops at your nose. I agree with George Carlin, google it and see what he says about cigars. It’s great
A cigar is a wonderful piece of handcraft made out of one kind of leave and the wrapper is made out of a different kind of tobacco leave.
One the other hand…what is known as a “Puro” is basically the inside and the outside of the cigar is made out of the same tobacco leave, hence Puro cigar!
Is it good, what does the tobacco taste like
What’s the best cigar? 🙄 Answer: All of them…
I love the way you word things. Tell us straight, And no BS.