Cigars 101

5 Things…You Should Never Ask an Experienced Cigar Smoker

 5 Questions You NEVER Ask an Experienced Cigar Smoker

A Rant By Tommy Zman Zarzecki

Cigar smoking is a passion, a passion that grips a person’s soul and becomes a very part of his overall lifestyle. We longtime, experienced lovers of the leaf not only adore our hand rolled delights, but we’ll go out of our way to help a newbie learn the many ins-and-outs of this smoke-filled pastime. For the most part, we are a patient lot, lending our cigar knowledge in every way we can to enrich the lives of others who wish to join the ranks of the hand rolled honor society.

Did I say that we are patient? Well… to a point. There are those who test our patience from time to time and admittedly, it gets on our nerves – coming from those who don’t smoke cigars, and worse yet, from those who loathe our sacred rite of relaxation.

Let me put this as plain and simple as I can… some people ask us stogie lovers the dumbest and most annoying shit humanly possible. Then there are those who rudely ask us to do things with our beloved sticks that require us to use great restraint while holding back from administering both a verbal and physical beat down. So, now that I’ve got your attention, below I give you my personal list of the 5 things you just never, ever ask an accomplished longtime cigar smoker.

 

don't ask a cigar smoker 1 #1 Why Do You Smoke Cigars When You Know It’s Going to Kill You?This is never a question asked with an innocent tone by those who have a sincere interest in your well-being. It’s asked by haters and smoke Nazis who are trying to forcefully thrust their values and beliefs upon you and me. There are those who troll their way onto the Cigar Advisor Facebook page with posts like, “You’re all going to die”, and “I hope you enjoy your cancer”. Do they post on skydiver forums and say, “I hope your chute doesn’t open”? I often answer their question with a series of questions to them… do you drink alcohol, eat anything fried, enjoy some cakes or candies, drink sugar-filled carbonated drinks or worse yet – diet soda, munch on salt-laden snack treats… damn, do ever you bungee jump or ride on roller coasters? I’ll often get a snide retort like, “yeah, but I do that stuff in moderation”. Yeah, well, Mr. Save Me From Myself douchebag, so do I. I enjoy a legal adult pleasure that calms my mind and brings down my blood pressure in a world full of arrogant budinsky [email protected]%ktards like you. So, the final thing I always ask a belligerent turd like this, is, “Why do you ask a rude and asinine question like that, instead of minding your own damned business and just live and let live?”

 

don't ask a cigar smoker question 2 Can I try a Puff of Your Cigar?

Yes, I have actually been asked this a number of times over the past few years and unfortunately, it’s never from a super-hot babe, but always from a sweaty, middle-aged guy waddling around in a 8x t-shit. All kidding aside, this is just foul and disgusting and I always have this look of horror and disbelief when asked. I guess to some people, hygiene is overrated. I’ve watched younger guys who vape take hits off each other’s mods and that skeeves me out, but to take someone else’s soaking wet stogie and place it between your own lips? Good God, stop me from talking about this immediately. If the FDA wants warnings on cigar boxes, how ‘bout we get one approved from the World Health Organization for this disease ridden practice.

 

don't ask a cigar smoker question 3 Can You Move Somewhere Else With Your Cigar?What chu tawkin’ ‘bout Willis?! Listen, I’ve said it time and time again that I am a conscientious cigar smoker and I continually profess that everyone who loves the leaf should be. I don’t smoke near crowds of people, people I don’t know, and never around children. And while there are fewer places than ever where puffing is permitted, I will always seek out those hallowed bastions of smokiness to enjoy my passion. But do you think that matters? Not really, because the haters will always hate. I’ve had people more than 75 plus feet away on the other side of a quiet city street that will start hacking and gagging as if the black plague had made an unannounced comeback. Of course that comes equipped with waiving of the arms like they’re being attacked by a swarm of hornets. “Can you just go somewhere else with that stinking weed,” one rude couple demanded. I’m in the middle of a big city, 25 yards away, with pollutants being spewed by trucks, taxis and busses at every turn, yet you claim that I’m the one giving you black lung? Once in Vegas at a high-end casino I chose to play at a blackjack table with a sign that clearly said smoking permitted. As I fired up my tasty Inferno Flashpoint, two grouchy elder shrews sat down next to me and had the gall to ask me to move to another table. I reached out and grabbed the “smoking permitted” sign, placing it directly in front of them and said, “I’m sorry, ladies, I don’t have my glasses… can you gals tell me what that says?” After a few salty old-school expletives, they decided that expanding their barnyard-door asses at the buffet was a better choice.

 

don't ask a cigar smoker question 4 Can You Put Your Cigar Out?Here I am, sitting on a bench on a beautiful day… I’m enjoying the hell out of a tasty Punch Gran Puro Nicaragua… not another human in site. Up comes a woman pushing a stroller who asks me to put my cigar out. I say that there is 200 billion sq feet of wide open space for the smoke to dissipate into the stratosphere and all you have to do is just keep walking by. She replies in her snarky tone, “It’s people like you who are killing our children.” So I peer into the stroller and it is empty, no child in sight. “Are you married to the Invisible Man?” …it was a fair question. She asks, more like demands in a stern tone to put out my cigar, the one I just lit only five minutes ago. If you’re a longtime cigar smoker like me, you’ve been asked this on golf courses, at barbecues, in casinos, hell, even smoke-friendly bars, and it never gets any easier to deal with. If I’m in a place where smoking is permitted, no, I will NOT put out my cigar. Again, I am very conscientious cigar smoker and I make sure I’m way clear of others, but again, the rude intolerance of the hateful many is appalling. We’re nothing but pariahs to them and in their minds, we basically have no rights. But guess what – we do. I will be nice and polite for as long as I can, but I have my limits and I am defending my rights. “No, lady, I will not put out my cigar… and that kid of yours is nothing to look at.”

 

don't ask a cigar smoker question 5 Is That Cigar a Cuban?It’s perhaps the number one moronic question of choice asked by novices and knuckleheads alike and I have stabbed people for less. Ok, kidding about the stabbing, but this is one hell of a peeve of mine and yeah, you’ve seen me write about it before. All right, I admit that this is not a question asked by the horribly rude haters, but it still just frosts my onions all the same. When asked, I always take a deep breath and answer as politely as I can with a “No, it’s not a Cuban”… well, unless it really does happen to be a Cuban.

 

How about you guys share in the comments below, your thoughts on my list and give me some questions that make you crazy!

newest oldest most voted
Marty Jackowski
Guest
Marty Jackowski

I was in a smoke friendly bar and a lady (smoking her 12th cigarette in a row) asked me to put out my cigar. She said it was offensive to her, I asked her to stop smoking her cheap cigarette and to spread the word because I find that smell offensive… she promptly returned to her drink and I returned to my pint.

Robert Whalen
Guest
Robert Whalen

My wife and I were sitting at the bar enjoying an after dinner drink and I had a cigar. This guy goes to the bartendar, right beside me, and asked him to tell me to put out the cigar. He didn’t have the decencey to say it to me. The bartendar told him that’s not going to happen, he just bought it from me. Guy was in the wrong place, they called it a cigar bar for a reason. I just smiled and took a puff.

Anthony Vergara
Guest
Anthony Vergara

I work part time at acigar bar. I’ve actually witnessed people complain that others were smoking cigars at the table next to them. Soon after she lit up a cigarette.

John Callanen
Guest
John Callanen

Sat at a bar in a restaurant at which time smoking was still allowed. Everyone around me smoking cigarettes, I proceed to light a cigar, and the bar tender shuts me down. I politely point out all the cigarettes, says they’re ok,but no cigars. Calmly put down my menu,tell him to cancel my drink order, and get up and leave. Its payday, I don’t work the next day, carrier full of sticks, I’m a good tipper, and Im hungry. Sigh whata waste of possible revenue.

Greg Natsch
Guest
Greg Natsch

I was on my honeymoon in Tampa eating in the smoking section of a steakhouse. After dinner I lit up. Soon the waiter came in and asked that i put my cigar out. We had that back and forth of, “im in the smoking section” and “but sir, a customer complained”. He then said if I didn’t put it out, I’d have to leave or they’d call the police. Discretion being the better part of valor, WE left. Four of us in our party, steaks, drinks, desserts, and no tips!

Danny Ramos
Guest
Danny Ramos

I one time had a lady who was a guest in my house at a memorial day weekend BBQ who happily ate my food that I cooked for her not only complain that my cigar is “killing her ” but yelled it out in the presence of the other guests and all I did was give her a big smile while drawing in my cigar and gently blow my big cloud of smoke in her face and asked her how was my food that she ate? What’s even funny is that one of the guests that were there became one… Read more »

Rich Richy
Guest
Rich Richy

I think my biggest pet peeve is when someone asks me if I have a cigar I can give them. I’m very generous, so it’s not really sharing that bothers me. My problem is that as a cigar smoker I always have a cigar within reach (in my pocket, in the car, etc). My point is that all the real cigar smokers I know are the same way, so if someone is asking me for a cigar I assume they are not a real cigar smoker and I don’t want to waste a good cigar on them. Besides, they can… Read more »

John Bradford Jr
Guest
John Bradford Jr

I was at a NASCAR race tailgating with my cousins, there were hundreds of grills charcoal and gas spewing everything into the air. The cars were on the track practicing. I lit up one of my favorite sticks, and so did my cousin, some lady 10 spots came walking up and asked us to put out our delights, said her dad was allergic to the smoke. I could not believe what I was hearing, but told her sorry can’t do it. Proceeded to finish and then light another just for good measure!

Ron Stefanacci
Guest
Ron Stefanacci

My wife and I have started doing wineries in Northern Virginia. Lots of choices, really, 100’s. So, before we pick one, I check to see if it is cigar friendly. If it is not, it gets pushed down the list. If it is, I will always ask where that area is, and go there. I know whch cigar aromas that my wife likes, so those are the ones I try to match to the wines I will be drinking. Usually we end up away from the crowd, another benifit, as we can enjoy the wine, the scenery the privacy. Only… Read more »

Jeff Winkler
Guest
Jeff Winkler

Has anyone else sat in a designated smoking area at a bar and have the establishment ask you to put out your cigar while five cigarettes smokers stand by onlooking? This has happened to me on quite a few occasions and I truly believe it’s because of the process of enjoying the unwrapping, cutting, pre lighting the absolute prosess then the sit back inhale and sigh of absolute relaxation of the moment. It’s information overload for the Sheeple to process. Bah aha

Rob Burkhart
Guest
Rob Burkhart

A few years ago I was sitting in my buddy’s cigar store enjoying a nice stick with our friends maybe 4-5 people, not too crowded. An old crotch opens the door (To the cigar store with the name clearly marked on the door)and immediately starts waving her arms and gagging like some deranged lunatic and she says, ” You people are disgusting, how can anyone breathe in here!” My friend, the owner, who is also a no-nonsense guy says, “It’s a cigar store you dumb bi*ch, not a fuc*king boutique, I don’t care what you want Get the f*ck out!”… Read more »

David G Black
Guest
David G Black

Great article. I have been asked these same questions with one exception. When I was asked question number 2 it was by my kids when they were young. Now that my boys are grown men, they too enjoy the leaf.

Scott Hendrix
Guest
Scott Hendrix

great read. i’m all about tone and sincerity , if someone politely asked me if I could put out my cigar I have no problem letting it burn out I will relight it later no worries , however if ” rude ” comes up to me , forget about it !! I’ll blow right in your face .. that’s how I roll !

Michael J Church
Guest
Michael J Church

You have a way of saying exactly what is on the mind of those of us that partake of the finer luxuries in life and on your terms too. Oh; the nerve! “Smoke em if you got em!” I personally like the long stares that hypnotically if to say, do you have to smoke that thing?

Jeff Blackhurst
Guest
Jeff Blackhurst

You know me Tommy I don’t shrink from a fight, but my favorite local B&M closed because they refused to stop people from smoking outside at the tables. On one side was a jewelry store and on the other a CPA and no one there complained. But 4 doors down some PC Smoke Nazi decided to open an OXYGEN BAR and they got enough complaints to get the property management company to raise the rent to an ungodly amount to run the shop out of business. I go back there from time to time and sit there and smoke. They… Read more »

CorbCor Baker
Guest
CorbCor Baker

you’re child is nothing to look @.. frost my onions!! im stealing that last one..bwahahahaaa.. good hits..on good sticks…stay Smokey my brother..lol

Larry Winget
Guest
Larry Winget

I am sending this to all of my cigar smoking buddies. And I hope that all non-cigar smoking people read it too. Great article. Thanks, Zman!

Kevin Davis
Guest
Kevin Davis

My worst encounters are and have been with cigarette smokers in designated smoking areas. It is my belief that it all stems from the envy they possess from choosing to have a hot dog instead of a steak.

Luis F Alvarado
Guest
Luis F Alvarado

The ultimate question when I am smoking my cigar and someone asks me what’s your favorite cigar
My reply is the one I am smoking knuckle head.

Doug Lade
Guest
Doug Lade

I mostley smoke at home or go to my local cigar shop where everyone there appreciates cigars or pipes. I have a few neighbors that like to smoke as well so we usually get to gether and smoke and the other neighbors don’t complain, becasue we move away or we have a fire going that is already making smoke so it it not a problem. Now I remember back in the mid 90’s when I first started smoking being a nice steak house and we ate dinner in their tap room that aloud smoking. There was an older couple that… Read more »

Paul Bunn
Guest
Paul Bunn

I was in my local cigar store, a guy comes in with his wife. He is curious but obviously not a smoker so one of the guys takes him into the humidor to talk him through the selection, his wife stays out by the counter where a bunch of us are hanging out and proceeds to tell us that “those things will kill you eventually” so me being the snarky shit that I am replied “there is one thing guaranteed to kill you and that is living, it ends the same way for all of us so you will forgive… Read more »

Luis Antolin
Guest
Luis Antolin

“z” man I always get a good laugh while reading your works; this one is no exception! I nearly spit my coffee when I got to “Barnyard door asses” hahaha but honestly I will have to take this list of 5 and add it to my list of “10 things to never do in a cigar lounge” I’m renaming it to “15 things that will get you kicked out of my cigar haven”….lol well the name is a work in progress but thanks for the laughs and keep them coming!

Jack Malcolm
Guest
Jack Malcolm

I’m a devout cigar smoker and fisherman, and like you, I adhere to the rules of when and where to smoke. While striper fishing along the Cape Cod Canal, and a good 50 yards from anyone, I fired up a tasty stick…. rod in one hand, stogie in another. 2 older women approached me with a vengence…. I knew what was coming…. “do you have to smoke that disgusting thing?” Without skipping a beat I replied ” this is nothing, I also smoke fish”. They quickly left…

Michael Phillips
Guest
Michael Phillips

I was watching my daughter play softball (sitting away from the crowd) puffing on a stick when all of a sudden an outfielder jogged in and asked me to put it out. Also, I was relaxing in a park in Bend, OR all alone, when a couple walked up with to kids and asked me to leave or put it out. I simply blew out a big cloud and said, “Big park.”

Michael Bausman
Guest
Michael Bausman

I was out on a fishing trip one time and the seas were very rough. There were 4 ladies fishing down the rail from me who had not even wet a line by noon as they were busy leaning over the railing feeding last nights dinner to the fishes. Around noon, I dedcided to eat and afterwards, fire up a cigar as they allow them on the party boats. I never even thought of it as I lit up an infused cigar (Acid Kuba Kuba, I know you cigar perfectionists hate the thought of that) and as soon as the… Read more »

Tommy Zman Zarzecki

Tommy Zman Zarzecki

Editor-at-Large

Tommy Zman, is an obsessive enjoyer of life’s leafy pleasures. Growing up in the bowels of northern New Jersey, parented by an eccentric Polish father and a neurotic Italian mother, what else could this man possibly be other than a humorist? ZMan’s a real throwback to a time when men were kings of the castle and smoking a cigar in public didn’t label you an outcast and a pariah. He’s an old–school down to earth guy - but when it comes to p.c. tyranny and nanny-state legislature, he’ll draw his sword and swing for the fences. Tommy gathered a faithful following as a longtime feature writer at Cigar Magazine, and his testosterone laden FaceBook community, CROMAG NATION™ is truly the last great bastion for Men’s Men.

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